can a borderline outsmart a narcissist

Do you feel helpless or that you cant see a light at the end of the tunnel? Choose from thousands of licensed therapists and connect whenever and wherever (by phone, video or chat). If they say this, agree with them. Whether this is healing the emotional damage caused by a narcissistic abuse in a codependent relationship or due to a dysfunctional upbringing, getting those behaviours under control you will alter your life totally and leave the narcissist behind in the dust (Kay, 2018). Mine told parents in my sons class what an awful parent I was. Narcissists lack empathy and do not form emotional attachments; therefore will not care how they beat you and will take no shame in taking you out piece by piece. Thank you for taking the time to read this article. In these situations, it can be hard to remain calm but if you freak out in the presence of a narcissist, then you lose the game that they are playing with you and fall into their trap (Kay, 2018). They can become resilient, resourceful and strongly independent. Read the full disclosure in our terms of service. They will usually recommend a special test called the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI). Heck, dont you? The NPD views this chosen one as an extension of themselves. I hope you have found it insightful. Again, no peep out of me. Since this NPD is only looking out for numero uno (themselves), they may neglect the children completely. When the narcissist accuses you of being angry, respond using a calm, unemotional voice. Stick to brief, basic, to the point, interactions (text or email is best). Many of us try to learn how to communicate throughout our lives with other individuals. Using techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, visualisation techniques can help reduce the emotional triggers and stress (Goddard, 2020). The more attention you give them, the more they thrive and feed, just like a vampire needs blood. If your ex doesnt find some way to outsmart it (they could), it would reveal a lot to the court. Ive learned to live with the gossip and side-eyes. Goddard, E. (2020). Show your kids stability. The loss of laughter, hugs, genuine bonding and conversation feels like the surgical removal of your heart (performed without any anesthesia while youre wide awake). Narcissist brains dont work the same as our brains. Please confirm you want to block this member. Prices start at $45 per week for weekly live sessions and unlimited messaging.

You wake up late and this sets you, Hey Psych2Go-ers!

My narcissistic ex is conniving and angry, and co-parents with a vengeance.

I couldnt help but wonder if he too was a budding narcissist with borderline tendencies. Its like a nightmare you cant wake up from. What they want is a therapist who they can manipulate for their own agenda. Or when I found out that my 5-year old son got on a plane, by himself, without my knowledge or permission? Settling this up from the start saves you from future conflicts and makes for less communication with your ex over logistics. Keep the sole focus of your conversations on the well-being of the kids, and nothing more. Going no contact may be difficult, but in the long term, it will remind you what it was like before you the narcissist in your life. When hes angry with me, she must be too. Theres a haunting saying; When youre divorced, with children, youre never really divorced.. My daughter may never come around, or maybe shell come around once she has children of her own. But even more damaging (abusive actually) is that a narcissistic co-parent will speak badly about you to your own kids. Its a hard burden to bear and a tough pill to swallow sometimes. In most cases, your ex wont even show up for a single session. When your NPD ex drags you back to court (expected) youll have definitive records to work with.

Spreading lies about me gives him joy. Trust me, Ive tried!). Conversely, when they are good little worshipers, they get rewarded with love, gifts, and attention. If you respond with an emotion of defence or empathy because anything like that, will be feeding them narcissistic supply (Kay, 2018). The children are there to serve them. Every good narcissist needs a target, and it could be your kids. Do not let them. Your narcissistic co-parent will use their talent for manipulation and deception to concoct the perfect parent persona- only interested in the best interest of the kidsall the while you know its a load of hooey.

This type of NPD parent is driven to succeed (at least outwardly) at all costs. Congrats are in order, youve managed to divorce a narcissist(or maybe you were lucky enough not to marry them in the first place). Exemplify emotional intelligence and doing the right thing.

The loss of precious time with your child is time you can never get back. The loss of the loving parent-child relationship you once knew gone, all because your ex had to win.

Survive Divorce does not provide legal, financial, investment, or tax advice. A judge may not see that your NPD co-parent is simply using the court to torture and control you through the kids. This will remove the power their hold over you. The points made in this article are pointers which may help you take back a sense of control as there are no permanent solutions to being involved with a narcissist. And that it is ok for others to have an opinion that differs from their own; That a difference of opinion doesnt warrant a verbal attack or otherwise. Its the NPDs world and everyone else in the household is allowed to live in it, as long they know who is king (or queen). He may be nannied up, but I can only be in one place at one time. Not an easy feat! Narcissistic abuse can leave emotional and internal damage. But some children are susceptible, depending on the level of abuse and how the narcissist parent treats your child. If they do, expect that they will devalue the therapist, petition the court for a different one, and then just stop coming altogether. They will feel confused and angry when the world doesnt bow at their feet the way they are accustomed to.

They view themselves as special, entitled, and above otherseveryone else is simply inferior. Theyll appreciate you for it, if not today then one day! Children raised by this type tend to have lower self-esteem, as they are never allowed to feel special or celebrated for being themselves. My son, a seemingly older soul, is more resilient to his smack-talking. Here are some important tactics: Avoid your narcissist ex whenever possible and ignore their cruel remarks. They even offer crisis intervention and emergency housing. The covert NPD is more under the radar, especially is their public persona. Show them what normal, healthy actions and reactions look like, especially when faced with difficulty. But co-parenting with a narcissist is just as tormenting, if not more so. Youre stuck co-parenting with your narcissist ex for years to come. And an NPD always has to be better than at all times. Maintain your Zen stay cool, calm, and collected. All I can I do is exemplify goodness and love as I waitand waitand wait. We have to understand what makes the narcissist tick; what they are looking for in interactions with us and how their brain works (Kay, 2018). Narcissists will often victim-blame and use their stories to gain sympathy from you. They insist that their offspring be better than and admired by others; Outward appearance and image are everything. Youll also get weekly tips and resources to help you get through divorce.

Hes like a lurking paparazzi hungry for even the measliest scrap, anything he can spin to use against me. Please note:

When the abuse is not physical, a personality disorder like NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is a hard thing to prove. Narcissists dwell in anger and live for vengeance. This child can go on to become confident and successful. In fact, one brave woman tried for over four years court dates, mandated evaluations, even lobbying the government but nothing came of it. The relationship duo between borderlines and narcissists tends to be more common than we think. A narcissist isnt willingly going to seek therapy for self-improvement (theyre perfect, the problem is everyone else), so there likely wont be an official, clinical diagnosis. His thought patterns and speech may be much different from anything we've ever encountered before. Absolutely no smack-talking about your ex to the kids, even though they hear it consistently from their other parent. At best, they leave their kids in the care of nannies or other functioning adults. He reinforces that the divorce was all my fault time and time again keeping me the enemy.

Its hard to see how scared the child is, and how they are totally under the NPD parents control. Some kids are. At an early age, these children realize they are on their own in this world, and they must take care of themselves, and any younger siblings.

If you find your ex trying to engage you into conflict, dont take their bait. Whereas when my daughter witnesses his angry outbursts towards me, shell respond with, well, you deserved that Mom.. Show them what a genuine apology looks like (theyll certainly never see that from their narcissist parent). Narcissistic qualities (i.e. When they become adults, they realize that their childhood made them mistrustful and it can be hard for them to get close to people. First, I want to give a little back information on the borderline-narcissist relationship duo for those who are new to my series and refresh those who have tuned in to my other related books. If time, money, or finding the right therapist for your child is an issue, consider online therapy sites like BetterHelp. Take care of yourselves and stay safe! And for the record, my toddler has grown into a sweet, caring, empathetic, sincere child who can deliver a genuine apology when he knows hes in the wrong or breaks the rules. Do any of these scenarios sound familiar: You go on two or three awesome dates with someone, thenPOOF!they disappear. Challenge yourself and ask yourself if this is true. But most people cant see how the very presence of an NPD can be so conniving, powerful, and threatening to a child. If youre feeling like you can never win and youre ready to shift the power dynamic, then youre in luck. Take the time he ripped me a new one because I rescheduled not missed my sons karate class due to a scheduling conflict, on my parenting time, due to a scheduling conflict. Model humility. Most narcissists don't have the intuition, knowledge of their condition, or interest in their inner world to pursue why they are the way they are. Highly-skilled NPD charmers easily dupe the courts, as they do most people. Anybody who has fallen victim to a narcissist or who understands the ways that narcissistic behaviour works, known that they are smart, manipulative and will not give up on achieving what they want to. Outsmarting a Narcissist is a considered to be science; you cant use rational logic because unfortunately the narcissistic brain is pathological. When the child dares to offer an opinion that differs or disobeys an order, they will be devalued. The more you try to explain yourself the weaker your position becomes (Kay, 2018). With this type, the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. Some believed him, making it so they refused to let their kids have playdates with my son at our house. Not only am I the enemy, everyone in my household is too: my husband, her half-brother, even our cat. Along with her colleague Phil Zimbardo, she recently wrote, Your email address will not be published.

And most importantly, love them no matter who they are, or who they want to be, without condition. Remember, the narcissists game is all about manipulating you. If you or somebody you known have experienced narcissistic abuse, then reach out and speak to somebody you trust. Plus, its way easier to convince your kid to talk to a therapist remotely vs. an in-person session. Any attention is better than not attention to the narcissist so if you can find ways to disengage from their fairy tales, the better it will be for you and you will zone into a new sense of reality. Get started with BetterHelp and get 10% off >>, Your ex NPD will still want to control everything financially. Why do I let him slide? How to outsmart a Narcissist. Or they may become determined to achieve greatness in order to prove something to their parent, but still, can always feel an underlying sense of not quite good enough.. In book one we detailed the different emotional places that the borderline and her narcissistic lover might come from during their development and in response to their relationships with their caregivers. This may sound contradictory but there is method to the madness! Even if you make a tiny fraction of what your ex makes, theyll insist you pay 50% of everything. Of course, this is easier said than done. Youll thank me later! A narcissist will forever attempt to strip you of your confidence in yourself and in your parenting decisions. Your children wont learn about empathy, compassion, and forgiveness from their other parent. Remember that narcissists are very fragile and insecure people, and they use other people to fill their hole. For they see themselves as a part of each parent. Required fields are marked *. However, many people have been raised with only one good parent and turned out just fine. All Rights Reserved.

As hard as it may be, donr try to explain your reasons when they attack you for something as you cannot rationalise with a narcissist. Have you ever had one of those days when you just cannot make anything work? They may doubt their self-worth and stay in that role. Often, people find that inner peace that they have been longing for. And while its very common for children and teenagers to display signs of narcissism, most outgrow this over time and dont progress into full-blown narcissists. Instead of a parent putting the needs of the children before their own, the child is groomed to take care of the needs of the narcissist parent. You do you; There aint a dang thing you can do to change your exs parenting skillsor life skills in general. They will trash you as a parent to other parents around town. While you cant change your ex or make them aware of their problem (havent you learned this already!? Or, one day they may realize that they are not the best at everything, and other people may be just as talented, or more so.

My son is more aware that his fathers actions are not okay. While his tactics didnt work on my son, they did on my daughter. At least theres a light at the end of the tunnel with a divorce! But dont take my word for it. Be the reason why your children have some peace in their lives. Download our free ebook with 100+ financial landmines to avoid. Retrieved January 20, 2021, from Daylight Out of Darkness website: https://www.daylightoutofdarkness.com/11-ways-to-outsmart-a-narcissist/, Hi, Psych2Go-ers! We think that once we learn communication skills, we are set to talk to anyone. Years could pass, but a narcissist can be unrelenting. They blame their own bad behavior or disappointments on the children. They must be the winner, the best, and take great pleasure in tormenting youstill. You will take the wind out of their sails (Kay, 2018). They learn that the parent is basically useless and cannot be relied on. You dont have to go it alone. Im holding onto my daughter by a thread. By doing this you reflect their anger back onto them where it belongs and they do not like it (Kay, 2018). It eats away at me. When he calls for a cease-fire (usually because he wants something from me), only then can she be at ease. Living with any type of narcissist can be damaging to ones sense of self. Some days I see warmth and openness, and other days she just repeats a laundry list of complaints relayed to her by her father: You should get a better paying job or You need to buy me XYZ because thats what child support is for.. Until family law has a better way to recognize and deal with narcissistic parents, youll likely be forced to share parenting time 50/50. My ex once sent me a bill for a pair of socks and a hair bow. They will present themselves as innocent victims of their evil ex (yes, you). Remember, if you are involved with a narcissistic in any way, you are immediately part of the game. Your Negotiation with a Narcisissist, 132 Co-Parenting Tips for Divorced and Separated Parents, Stepping into Step-Parenting (Struggles, Boundaries, Advice), 9 Reasons Why Second (and Third) Marriages Are More Prone to Divorce, How to Divorce Like Bill and Melinda Gates, 37 (Not So) Obvious Signs Your Wife is Cheating on You, The Ultimate Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist, 38 Telltale Signs Your Husband is Cheating on You, 24 Essential Rules for Dating After Divorce, Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: The Dos and Donts, The Ultimate Divorce Checklist: The Information You Need to Prepare for Divorce, 29 Warning Signs That Your Marriage is in Trouble, What manipulation tactics to expect from a narcissist and how to shut them down, How to develop a bulletproof strategy to drive the outcome you want, How to create leverage to motivate and incentivize the narcissist to resolve your issues, How to anticipate exactly what the narcissist will do and stay two steps ahead at all times, How to focus on YOU building your confidence and developing a winning mindset, Scripts you can use to respond to those abusive texts and emails and disarm the narcissist, 45-page workbook to help you stay on track. Check out SLAY Your Negotiation with A Narcissist Now >>. Dr. Judy, one of the foremost narcissist abuse recovery experts, discusses this on her radio show here. Watch this space for the next article.

Imagine being (partly) raised by one. They treat their kids as slaves and punching bags, as tools who have zero feelings. A good therapist can help mitigate the horrid impact that a narcissistic parent has on the emotional health of your children. My ex loves to sow those rumor seeds. A judge could also order both parents to take part in a psychological evaluation. Your Negotiation with a Narcisissistis your step-by-step blueprint to regaining power and control. This parents message to their children is that they are not good enough and that they will never be good enough. the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI), S.L.A.Y. Allow yourself time to understand what happened and have a period of reflection. Do you feel like you have lost friends and family because you have remained in a narcissist relationship? Often, they wont know what to say or how to respond. One morning, I showed up to volunteer in my kids class only to find he wasnt there. Whenever we invited a kid over, the parent would get visibly uncomfortable and then not-so-slyly suggest the playdate be held at their place instead. Excellent information and tools to stop this from happening to me any longer. Narcissism affects males more than females and tends to start developing during the late teens or early twenties. Before we know it, we have upset the narcissist and have gotten on his bad side, which is a very bad place to be. The only thing worse than divorcing a narcissist is co-parenting with one. This is a REALLY tough one to answer. There is no true way to get a good picture of how many relationships span this dynamic, as many borderlines and narcissists go undiagnosed or undetected. But how do you instill goodness when the NPD constantly models the opposite!? Much like with NPD in the hands of the family court system, parental alienation is also a hard thing to recognize and prove.

Stop all communication immediately. Your email address will not be published. These children literally take life into their own hands. A list of the tools and resources that can help you have an easier, cheaper divorce. Next time your ex does something vial that you know they would tear you to pieces for if things were reversed, just ask yourself: Is this battle REALLY worth it.? Do yourself a favor and get the course. They will tell people that the divorce was all your fault. And if youve moved on with someone else, they will trash your new partner, too. Plus, here are a few of my favorite bonuses: Get $200 off S.L.A.Y. Thats what drives their fragile little egos. ), there are things you can do to set boundaries, protect yourself, and protect your children. You can change the outcome by making simples moves and taking yourself out of the game. lack of respect, constant critiquing, blaming, and trash-talking) are in direct contradiction to the skills required to maintain a solid co-parenting relationship. Once the judge knows that, in fact, your ex indeed suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, they can make far better decisions regarding the best interests of your children. This article is designed for educational purposes only.

Until your children become adults, your narcissist co-parent will be in your life, and in the lives of your children.

Not all children of narcissists become narcissists themselves, especially if they have one stable, emotionally healthy parent. You only get a small handful. Insane thinking, I know. No. This belief is one that is quickly thrown by the wayside once we meet a narcissist whom we want or need to communicate with. This action will also remove this member from your connections and send a report to the site admin. Spell out the specific days when the children are with each parent, including holiday and vacation specifics as well, even if seems petty and unnecessary. Emotional abuse can leave trauma inside the body so one of the best things you can do is listen to you body. Why even worry about what is or isnt going on over there (unless there is imminent danger or abuse, then act yesterday). The children are praised and loved ONLY when they toe the line. The family court system simply isnt set up to deal with the sh*t-storm associated with narcissism or other personality disorders, for that matter. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

This article explores ways to outsmart the narcissists by making yourself the focus rather than putting yourself on the same level as them. They do this as a way to win love by trying to steal love away from you. Every time my toddler had a meltdown (much resembling those of his adult NPD father) I would panic. These parents are extremely toxic and dangerous to children. The solution would generally be to remove yourself away from them and have little contact with them, however this is not always easy and has to be your choice. Your kids will need it. They see the golden child as their pride and joy and shower them with praise; They are never criticized. What Im about to share with you could quite literally transform your life. As a healthy parent, you MUST rise above and put your childrens feelings above all the BS that comes with co-parenting with a narcissist. This creates a toxic bond that can have long-term consequences.

Theyll know you really cant afford it, though they easily can. If you can ask someone to read your emails, letters, text messages and any form of communication (Goddard, 2020) then this will save you from having to be exposed in that situation.

You do not need to put a time constraint on your own healing.

The effort will be exhausting and expensive and, in the end, could prove futile. With one look, the child is told what to say agreeing with and validating everything the NPDs side says. NPDs will continue to do what they do best: triangulate, trash talk, and control. Poor little them abandoned and discarded for no reason at all. They manipulate reality (lie and cheat), then justify it to themselves and others to make their wretchedness seem necessary and okay. Hope you are okay. No text, no DM,, If youre familiar with the various psychology blogs out there, youve probably heard of Rosemary Sword. Do not say anything more do not try and explain yourself in anyway (Kay, 2018). A narcissistic parent is a system gone wrong. Narcissists tend to take pleasure in shaming people; for example, a narcissistic parent may shame you for how strict or lenient you are with your own children. They are brilliant when it comes to manipulating situations/people and twisting the facts to fit their confabulated narrative. Narcissists like making noise, tune it out. A judge could also place your child on the witness stand. They feel entitled to your money too. If only that child were smarter, better, more this, more that, less this, less that then things would be good. Even though it is generally accepted that victims of a narcissist can develop an array of mental health issues, depression, and anxiety, the courts dont really recognize parental alienation as a real thing, sadly. Kids have a natural want to love both their mother and father. Its a long game.

Once you take the step to heal, also commit to look further than this relationship and understand why part of you allowed this to happen (Goddard, 2020). After a hellish marriage and even worse divorce from a narcissist, Ive seen it all and live to tell the tale. Just dont get your hopes up. Stay focused on your main goal of putting your childrens best interests first and foremost. Be the example of how to handle challenges in a constructive, rational, not overly emotional manner. The teacher informed me that he was pulled from school earlier because Dad took us to the museum. Did I make a peep? Ive known a few brave souls to attempt to prove to a judge that their ex is indeed a raging narcissist. Get them to go once a week if possible, for as long as they needwhich may be well into adulthood. As I said, dont panic! Any communication you receive, take a step back and dont react. Always take the high road when they go low, you go high.